Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
