just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.