you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
