Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.