Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now