In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
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Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.