I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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