You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
