hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
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some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
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I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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