proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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