Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
