no, he came in my armpit
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
