I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
