You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
