I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
