the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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