i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
BRING THE BAGELS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
