I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
