We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
