And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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