that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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