I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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