There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
