Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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