Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
