Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
