ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize