woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I did not marry a roomba.
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