My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will die if light touches me.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
