Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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