how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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