It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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