what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
