You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
