Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
