I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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