i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
