Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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