i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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