Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
