I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
