Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity