Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.