Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My balls are so social today.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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