I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
