the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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