you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
