This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If its not for food we ain't going out.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
