Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
