he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
