I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
