If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
