Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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