i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
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Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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