Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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