Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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