Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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