I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
