You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
