I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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