12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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