I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
