a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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