where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just pynch a tree in the face
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
