Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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