Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
