Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
