also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
