Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
